#GoodAdvicein4Words

Trending on Twitter today is this hashtag: #GoodAdvicein4Words. I couldn’t resist. I had to jump in and give my two cents.

Make Time for Sex #goodadvicein4words

Make time for sex. (I’ll add – with your spouse.) This is actually something Adam and I’ve been struggling with lately, mostly due to my schedule. I’ve been increasingly frustrated at my tiredness, lack of energy, and follow-through. I know I’m not alone. Many couples struggle with this issue. But making time for sex is more than an issue – it’s good, godly, vital advice for marriage.

Make time to talk about sex. 

Life happens. Sex with our husbands probably isn’t going to happen every day for the majority of us. That’s okay. However, the Bible speaks to the importance of married sex…

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

I’m not going to get into a big debate about this passage, or talk about those who are outright refusers of sex. If things come up, that’s normal. If you’re too tired one night, that’s okay. If you’re too tired every night and things come up every day, then something’s gotta give.

Make time to talk about sex with your spouse. Set aside a distraction-free time in a safe environment to discuss expectations:

  • How often do you both want sex?
  • When is a good time to have sex?
  • Where do you want sex?
  • What would you like to try or do differently?
  • What about foreplay? What’s working/not working (or if it’s not included at all, why and is it needed)?
  • What helps get you both in the mood? What turns you on/off?
  • Are you satisfied/dissatisfied and why?
  • How will these affect sex and how will we work through pain, difficult schedules, menstrual cycles, pregnancy, children, illness/injury, dry spells, etc?
  • What are we distracted by and how can we avoid distractions?
  • What makes you feel comfortable, safe, loved, and desired?
  • What makes you feel uncomfortable, insecure, and unloved? How can we change that?

Make time to touch. 

Sexual and non-sexual touch frequently is important (and I’d recommend daily). Touch is powerful and connects you intimately with or without leading to sexual intercourse every time. These are all great ideas for foreplay or just sexual touch throughout the day/evening.

  • Hugs
  • Kisses
  • Stroking the cheek
  • Cupping the face
  • Holding hands
  • Putting your arm around his/her shoulders
  • Putting your arms around his/her neck before pulling them in for a hug and/or kiss
  • Neck, shoulder, back, and/or full body massage
  • Playful tap or quick grab of the butt as your spouse is walking by
  • Stroking and/or lightly touching his groin area
  • Stroking and/or lightly touching her vaginal area
  • Pressing up against each other in a teasing manner (fully clothed)
  • Massaging her breasts
  • Cuddling half-naked
  • Lying on the bed naked and exploring gently

Just as I mentioned above, talking about…

  • what kind of touch you like/dislike
  • when and where you like this kind of touch (i.e. playfully tapping your partner’s bum as he walks by might be okay at the grocery store, but pressing your whole body into him is probably best reserved for home or in the bedroom)
  • how often touch is needed (daily…I’m just sayin’)

Make time for sexual intercourse. 

Once you’ve talked through expectations, make plans for sex. Know your own bodies (what works/doesn’t work), eliminate distractions, and make sex a priority.

Good Responses to Common Excuses:

Too tired? 

  • Start earlier.
  • Opt for mornings.
  • Plan for “sleeping in” on weekends.
  • Go to the bedroom together a half-hour before you actually want to sleep.
  • Start standing up (foreplay in the stairwell, hallway, or foot of bed).
  • Make an effort to try anyway, and if it doesn’t work, make plans to revisit sex soon.

Too stressed? 

  • Shower/bathe first to help your body relax.
  • Identify stressors and find appropriate times to deal with them. (i.e. don’t check bills/emails before sex). 
  • Slow down.
  • Ask your partner for a massage (and don’t be afraid to be specific about where you feel tension and what you want massaged first). Eliminate one stressor in your life on a monthly basis if possible.
  • Get more sleep, eat healthier, and exercise more.

Too distracted? 

  • Turn off your electronic devices, and leave them in the other room.
  • Make sure kids (or pets or whomever else you share a home with) are occupied or sleeping.
  • Be firm with others that this is your “couple time” and there are to be no interruptions, barring emergency (and define what an emergency is).
  • Declutter your space.
  • Deal with tasks earlier to avoid thinking about them while trying to be intimate. If you need to, pick one of the most distracting ones and eliminate it right before trying sex.
  • Pray together before sex.
  • Play music.
  • Take a few moments to meditate on your partner’s body before jumping in to get your mind to focus. Make a list of 5 things you admire about your husband’s physicality.

Too self-conscious? 

  • Talk about this together – and identify the reasons behind your fears.
  • Pray about this together.
  • Let your husband love on you. Relax and enjoy his touch.
  • Figure out what makes you feel comfortable, start there, and gradually work (over multiple times) toward being a little more brave/adventurous.
  • If something genuinely makes you feel uncomfortable, tell him and talk through it.
  • Take care of your body – do what makes you feel feminine and sexy.
  • Avoid comparisons to the media and others. This is about what’s comfortable, sexy, and feasible for you and your spouse.

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What would be your good advice in 4 words? 

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