Say YES to Sex, Part 2, Day 22
*Special Note: I can guarantee every one of you has been affected by an affair – either you know someone, directly or indirectly, who cheated on a spouse, or you yourself have been a victim of an unfaithful partner or have been the one who was unfaithful. I’m not here to judge, but to offer you Biblical truths in love to help you actively practice fidelity to your spouse. Please know that I am not a professional by any means, and if you need Biblical professional help/counsel, I highly recommend connecting with fellow CMBA-er’s Cindy and David through their site, Affaircare – a community dedicated to committed, godly marriages. Today’s post is Part 2 of a short series on faithfulness. See Part 1 here.
A Note on Abuse: Forcing your spouse to have sex when he/she doesn’t want to is wrong and unbiblical. I believe this is rape and abuse. Any woman who is in a physically, sexually, verbally, or mentally abusive situation should seek help immediately. This post is not intended for you!
The Tools to Protect Your Marriage Bed
You wouldn’t skydive without a parachute.
You wouldn’t repel down a mountain without equipment.
You wouldn’t run into an active war zone without some way to defend yourself.
So why wouldn’t you carry the tools you need to actively practice fidelity and commitment in your marriage?
Yesterday, I shared 1/11th of the POMEGRANATE and talked about the most important step in staying faithful in marriage – P: Pursue Relationship with God. Today I’m going to share 2/11ths of the pomegranate: OM.
Open the Lines for Healthy Communication
Talk to your husband about your sexual desires, concerns, and needs. Invite him to share what he wants. Let him know how he’s pleasing you sexually and what you want him to keep doing.
- Be specific. Give him an example of what you want. Don’t be afraid to show him what you need. I recently shared with my husband something that I wasn’t comfortable with and how I’d prefer he approach the situation. He listened to me, implemented it, and wow! I sure want sex more often!
- Be concise. He doesn’t need all the details about that specific time he did this one thing wrong and what you were doing before and after said situation, and your exact conversation word-for-word. Men need us to be brief, especially when we’re talking about something that needs work.
- Be bold. Ask for what you want in the bedroom, and how you want it. Keith Krell, in his sermon, A Touchy Issue, writes“Ladies, whatever your husband wants that is not immoral or illegal, give it to him. Make sure that your marriage bed is so hot that your husband will not ever go looking elsewhere! There is nothing dirty about this; it is entirely biblical. Why should the world have the greatest sex? The greatest sex should be among married couples who are devoted to Christ.”You’ve been given Biblical license to please your husband and enjoy him fully in the bedroom. You have the freedom to “heat” things up in the bedroom because this is where you and your husband you will receive sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. Embrace it!
Make Time to Make Love
God never intended us to have sexless marriages. Many times, affairs start because one or both spouses isn’t getting their sexual needs met in the marriage. This is selfish and can be prevented.
Before I continue on this point, let me please stress that if you’ve gone without sex in your marriage for longer than a month, excluding exigent circumstances such as military deployment, injury, or illness, you and your husband need to address this issue and potentially seek professional help. I’ve addressed this topic a few times on my blog: See below.
One of the best ways to safeguard your marriage is to have frequent sex. Karen writes, “Whether sexual intimacy is neglected as a result of something as simple as an overbooked schedule or a more complex problem such as unresolved conflict… the resulting void places both spouses at risk.” Make a commitment to consistently connect intimately to faithfully protect your marriage bed from distractions and temptations.
Today’s 30 Minute Challenge (Nov 22nd): Say Yes to Sex!
Today’s 30 Minute Challenge is taken from Karen Scalf Linamen’s Pillow Talk.
You deserve the truth about your excuses…
and your husband does too. “Be honest with yourself,” Karen writes. “Don’t use busy schedules or fatigue or even your children as an excuse to avoid something you’re not sure you want to do anyway.” Think about the excuses you make for avoiding sex. Write these excuses down. Take a good long honest look at them. Ask yourself these questions: Why do you use these excuses? What might be an underlying issue behind these excuses? How are these excuses sabotaging your intimacy in the bedroom?
Exchange excuses for solutions.
Figure out what these excuses are, and then work to resolve whatever issue is holding you back. Are you holding a grudge against your husband? Let it go and ask for forgiveness. Are you concerned about a health issue? See a physician. Are you worried about ‘taking the next step sexually and trying something new?’ Share these fears with your husband. Karen recommends fasting and prayer for more complicated problems, in addition to seeking accountability with a godly female friend or Christian counseling. Refer back to the list of excuses you wrote above, and write out one potential solution for each of them.
Schedule time for romance.
It may not sound romantic to ‘schedule’ time for sex, but in today’s busy world, this might offer you a structured simple solution to the ‘lack of time’ factor. Look for one thing this week you can clear from your schedule to make more time for romance and sex. Find ways to incorporate intimacy into everyday life, like showering together in the mornings, being topless while watching the evening news together, kissing at traffic lights when driving together, holding hands while grocery shopping, or paying bills in the nude. Get creative!
5 Minute Marathon
Pick one excuse you usually use to abstain from sex and write it down. Now wad it up and throw it into the trash. Write out your YES solution to this excuse. Pray today’s verse – 1 Corinthians 7:3 – over your marriage bed, and ask God to show you a time this week where you can put your YES solution into action.
God, I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Thank You for giving me permission to embrace my sexuality with my husband. Thank You for the gift of sexual intimacy. Lord, I especially struggle with giving this excuse [insert excuse] to avoid sexual intimacy. Help me to throw away my excuses. Give me the courage to see the truth behind them, and to bravely face take action to make our marriage bed even stronger. Provide the time for us to meet each other’s needs sexually. Make us aware of anything or anyone that may be disrupting our intimacy with one another. I desire to faithfully satisfy and protect my husband sexually. Amen.
Take it a Step Further
Watch Pastor Mark Driscoll’s Part 5 video in the Peasant Princess series – My Beloved, My Friend. Before you begin, pray and ask God to give you an open mind and heart. Ask the Lord to show you an area of your marriage and/or sexual relations that needs work. Mark gives a refreshingly honest, practical, and Biblical message on why a wife shouldn’t withhold sex from her husband, how to combat selfishness in the marriage bed, and what is and isn’t okay in the marriage bed all in the context of Song of Solomon 5:2-6:1.
Share with Us
How open are you to communicating about sex with your husband? What holds you back? How can we encourage you or pray for you in the BHE community?
This post is Day 22 in of the 30 Dates in November Challenge. See related posts – The Most Important Step in Staying Faithful in Marriage , Is Withholding Sex from My Husband a Sin?, Respecting the Marriage Bed, and 4 Ways to Better Understand Your Husband. Linking up with Fellowship Fridays on Christian Mommy Blogger & Messy Marriage.
- Posted in: 30 Dates in November ♦ Change and Growth ♦ Communication Tips & Techniques ♦ Conflict Resolution ♦ Femininity and Womanhood ♦ Fruits of the Spirit ♦ Intimate Issues ♦ Knowing God ♦ Real Marriage ♦ Sex
- Tagged: 30 Dates in November 2013, Affair-Proof Your Marriage, Communication Tips & Techniques, Faithfulness, Pillow Talk, Priorities, Sexual Intimacy Struggles, The Marriage Bed, The Peasant Princess Series, Withholding Sex