4 Ways to Better Understand Your Husband, Day 18
How to Better Understand Your Husband
Patience is one of the most important fruits you can feed your marriage. I believe this is why Paul mentions “Love is patient” first in 1 Corinthians 13. Without patience, love withers.
Impatience often leads to complaining, frustration, and maybe even anger and bitterness. All these things disrupt and destroy intimacy.
Colossians 1:9-11 says, “We continually ask God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all the wisdom and understanding that the Spirit gives, so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and please Him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God,being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience…”
You’re able to bear the fruit of patience when you’re filled with the knowledge of His will, given God’s wisdom and understanding, and you’re strengthened by God’s power. What does this look like practically?
Feed your marriage bed a KIWI.
1. Kindly be willing to work with him.
Instead of muttering under your breath about your husband’s failures, choose instead to patiently wait on him. I’ve learned over time that my husband isn’t going to do household chores on my timetable. Instead, I give him some parameters like “I need this done before Tuesday” and then gently remind him on Monday night if he hasn’t completed said task.
2. Inflicting punishment is never ever your place.
Sex and affection aren’t tools to be manipulated for your benefit. Withholding sex or affection as punishment is deeply hurtful and deeply disrespectful. Instead, grant your husband grace and forgive readily, reassuring him through love, affection, and sex. This doesn’t mean condone sin when he hurts you, but it does show him your love is unconditional. Sex can be a powerful healing tool in a marriage. Give the gift of sex freely.
3. Win his heart with tenderness.
Instead of getting angry with your husband because you’re impatiently waiting on him, go and find him. Generally a kind word and a sensuous touch is enough to get my man’s mind off whatever thing he promised would only take five minutes and onto being intimate with me. If it’s not possible to talk to him, still extend him love when he comes in the bedroom. If this means staying up an extra fifteen minutes to make love, do it. If you can’t do that, just snuggle up next to him and kiss him good night. Let go of bad feelings you might be harboring and just love on him.
4. If he needs to slow down or wait, move at his pace.
The last one is the hardest in my mind. I’m still learning that on occasion my husband doesn’t want to have sex. Shocking, I know! Usually because he is tired, stressed, or worn out. But this doesn’t mean he’s rejecting me, or that he doesn’t love me. When you’re waiting on someone else’s timing, sometimes it’s hard to be patient. On the marriage bed, patience produces abundant rewards.
- Reassure your husband verbally and through touch of your love.
- Ask him gentle questions to better understand where he’s coming from . Does he need something or to do something to relax? Is he stressed out about something at work or distracted by an issue with family?
- Some men may have a medical issue preventing them from completing the sex act. Gently encourage him to see a doctor.
- Be willing to slow down and even wait if necessary. Sometimes my husband needs more of a work-up, and sometimes it takes very little to turn him on. When I need more of a work-up, I appreciate my husband’s patience, and when he needs more time, I try to slow down and help him enjoy the moment more. Sometimes he needs to wait altogether until another time. It’s a challenge when I want what I want in the moment, but as Ephesians 4:2 says, “…be patient [and bear] with one another in love.”
[Now I know there are some ladies out there who haven’t had sex with their husbands in a long, long time. My heart goes out to you. Keep bathing your intimacy with your husband in prayer and seeking God for comfort and wisdom. Julie Sibert of Intimacy in Marriage put together a wonderful resource of posts about wives with higher sex drives. Please take the time to read through some of them.]
The fruit of patience is well worth the results when you are able to help your spouse experience the fullness of pleasure and passion, and in doing so, are blessed also.
Today’s 30 Minute Challenge (Nov 18th): Practice Patience
1. Think about a time when you’ve been impatient with your husband.
- What prompted this reaction?
- How did you feel physically (i.e. did you tense up, or clench your jaw)? How did you feel emotionally? (i.e. Did you feel unimportant? unloved? unnoticed?)
- How did you react (i.e. did you do the task yourself? did you complain about him to your girlfriends? did you mutter unkind things under your breath? did you withhold love or sex as a form of punishment?)
2. Re-read today’s verse – Proverbs 14:29. How can you better understand your husband by exercising patience (i.e. God created my husband with a one-track-mind so interrupting him or expecting him to always remember isn’t realistic or fair, or Sometimes my husband just needs to relax and unwind before he can be intimate with me)? If you really don’t know how, ask your husband.
3. When you find yourself growing impatient this week, remember how God has exercised great patience with you. Write out this verse or another verse or a prayer you can call to mind when you’re feeling impatient.
Five Minute Marathon
If you catch yourself muttering unkind things under your breath about your husband because of your impatience or you find yourself ready for a fight this week, ask yourself: “Does this argument (does my point) really count in the light of eternity?” If it doesn’t, let it go and look for one good thing in your husband.
God, grant me the wisdom to bite my tongue when I’m about to say unkind things to or about my husband. Grant me a patient and gracious spirit. Fill my heart with love and understanding. Help me to understand where my husband is coming from and to treat him with the kindness and respect he deserves, and may very well sometimes not deserve. Help me to see him as Your son. Right now, I especially need Your help in exercising patience with my husband in [insert area of your life]. Forgive me for the times I’ve been impatient. Help me to bear the godly fruit of patience in my marriage, Amen.
Take It a Step Further
When you actively seek to pursue patience, you can grow deeper in your intimacy with your husband. One of the ways you can better understand patience is to better understand God. Do a word study on “God and patience” in the Bible. Read my post – What if Patience Doesn’t Fit? – where I share a few things the Bible says about God’s patience. Pick one of the principles about God’s patience that you learn and apply it to your marriage this week.
This post is Day 18 in of the 30 Dates in November Challenge. Today’s post included revised bits from the following posts: Does God Hate Fig Trees? and Does Patience Grow on Trees? Linking up with Time-Warp Wife.
Share with Us
How does better understanding God’s patience help you to be patient with your husband? How does exercising patience help you to better understand your husband?