What Are Your Sexpectations, Day 2
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Have you allowed God to renew your mind daily in regards to sex with your husband?
The world has so overly polluted and perverted God’s gift of sexuality. As Pastor Mark Driscoll of the Mars Hill Church says in his Peasant Princess series, we, as the Church, have taken 2 approaches to this:
- over-sexualize everything, becoming like the world, making sex itself into an idol, or
- removing ourselves completely, taking on a philosophy that in order to be spiritual, one can’t enjoy sex.
Neither of these are Biblical. Sex is a gift!
Pleasurable Sex is Scriptural
In the words of Karen Scalf-Linamen, author of Pillow Talk, “our sexuality was not a divine blooper.” God wasn’t surprised when He created Adam and Eve, placed them naked in the Garden of Eden, and they figured out where all the pieces went. He didn’t wonder “Now why did they do that?” Every part of your body was designed for a specific reason.
The act of sex itself was and is part of God’s perfect plan. Genesis 2:24 says, “…a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Jesus reiterates this in the New Testament when He speaks of marriage, not in terms of the ceremony or even the relationship, but in terms of the moment when a man is “joined to his wife and the two…become one flesh” [Matthew 19:4].
Sex is designed for pleasure, not just procreation. In Proverbs 5:18-19, King Solomon addresses his son and tells him to “rejoice in the wife of your youth…may her breasts ever satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” I don’t know about you, but I agree with Karen when she says,
…these words have nothing to do with procreation or duty. This is meant for fun. Pay close attention to Solomon’s choice of words: Rejoice. Satisfy. Be enraptured.”
Real Sex is Not a Romance Novel!
On the other hand, sex with your husband isn’t going to be like the movies. Sometimes it’s easy to build up Mister-Fantasy-Man in our minds, especially when our husbands haven’t exactly been doing the greatest job of loving us. It’s Day 2. Already you might be dealing with some tension in your marriage. The last thing you want to think about is sex. Perhaps it’s easier to escape to somewhere in your mind to a man who never lets you down and always knows how to please you.
Ladies, this is a dangerous line of thinking.
- Mark 7:21 “For from within… come evil thoughts, sexual immorality…”
- James 1:14-15 “Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.”
Pretty soon, you’re envisioning an entirely different man than the one you married. The bar is set too high. Your husband can’t compete. You grow out of touch with reality and become more and more dependent on your fantasies… or worse, you’ll desire another man. You don’t have to commit adultery with another man to cheat on your husband emotionally and mentally.
Our imaginations are powerful tools that enrich our lives to no end. Yet, allowed to run rampant, they can easily create images and expectations… far beyond the power of any individual or any relationship to fulfill…whether he realizes it or not, [your husband] is in competition… running a race against imaginary men who never forget an anniversary and imaginary marriages that even Donna Reed would envy… The realities are these: there are no perfect men. No perfect marriages. No perfect love lives… let’s stop pretending that there are. Until we do,until our expectations come down… we may never have a real shot at contentment and happiness with what we’ve got – real life.”
I do want to make a distinction. Impure thoughts aren’t sinful. What you do with your thoughts – how you act on them, or how you continue to meditate on them – that is sin.
So Where Do I Look?
When I was engaged, I Googled “Christian sex blogs” and “Christian intimacy” because I wasn’t sure what I was getting into. I tried to get my hands on every sex book out there to better understand my sexuality and what our bodies were supposed to do. These aren’t necessarily bad things. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to learn more about your sexuality from a godly perspective. But I didn’t even once stop to think about praying for my future sexual intimacy with my husband-to-be or reading His Word to see what He has to say.
Christian marriage and sex blogs, books, articles, etc aren’t necessarily bad. I know some wonderfully gifted writers out there who passionately believe in helping women of God embrace their sexuality and enjoy their sex lives as God designed (and I believe this and try to convey this too). I’m not trying to knock any of them at all when I say this.
God’s Word isn’t exactly a go-to manual for how to position yourselves during sex or how to overcome pain and problems during sex, but if you’re going to start filling your mind with what is holy and honorable when it comes to the marriage bed, you should start with the Bible. Tweet this
Today’s 30 Minute Challenge (Nov 2nd): What Are Your Sexpectations?
Grab your Bible, journal, and favorite beverage of choice. Head someplace where you won’t be interrupted for at least 30 minutes.
[30 seconds -1 min] Write out today’s Bible verse. (Romans 12:2)
[5 mins] What comes to mind when you think about sex with your husband? Write down 3-5 words describing your intimacy. What would you like to see change? What would you like to continue? What would you like to try?
[5 mins] Answer these questions: What are your expectations for your sexual experience and for your husband regarding sex? What do you think influences these expectations?
[15 mins] Read the Song of Songs from start to finish. Remember the Bible is God-inspired, everything in it is there for a reason. Sexual intimacy in marriage is of value and is important to God.
Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus, authors of Intimate Issues, excellently explain this book:
“The Song of Solomon… describes the courtship, wedding, and early years of King Solomon’s marriage to [the] Shulamith [woman]… it unfolds like a movie with several flashbacks, the story being temporarily suspended while the audience views a scene from the past. This explains the lack of chronological sequence… it also explains why many couples who read this book find it confusing! But the nuggets of gold hidden in this book are worth digging for.”
What specifically stands out to you? How do the words of Solomon change the way you think about your sex life? How does it impact your expectations? Highlight one specific thought about sexuality mentioned in the Song of Solomon you want to remember throughout the week. Take action on this thought/idea/inspiration today and implement it in your sexual intimacy with your husband.
5 Minute Marathon
Write down 2 positive expectations you have regarding sexual intimacy with your husband (i.e. making extra time for sex or increasing the length of foreplay). Write down 2 negative or unfair expectations (i.e. hoping my husband reads my mind because he’s so in sync with me or I always expect to feel pain and this keeps me from trying). Pray over these expectations and ask God to help you grow in intimacy with your husband and to purge your mind from negative or unfair expectations.
Lord, I believe You created sexual intimacy with my husband for my benefit and pleasure. I want to regularly saturate my mind with Scriptural-based, sex-positive thoughts. I want my sexpectations to be reasonable for my husband. I want to bring him honor in our marriage bed. When I tempted to believe lies or think about someone other than my husband (real or imagined), pour the blood of Jesus Christ over my mind. Purge my mind of any lies, negative fantasies, expectations, or thoughts that may be hindering our intimacy with one another. Help me to honor You and honor my husband in my thoughts. Amen.
Take It a Step Further
Make a real commitment this month to think positively about sexual intimacy and think positively toward your husband regarding sex. Challenge a negative sexpectation this weekend.
- Think that if you feel discomfort of pain it’s all over? Take a deep breath, rid you mind of negative thoughts, re-position if need be, and try again.
- Think you’ll never be able to fit in an extra day of sex during your normal routine? Sit down and look at your schedule for the upcoming week. Cut one thing that isn’t necessary or limit time on an activity and then use this extra time to make love.
- Think your husband will never go for your “new” idea? Schedule a time to talk with your husband (preferably away from the bedroom) and share things you’d both like to try. Each of you explain why it’s important to you. Then pick a time in this upcoming week to try one idea from each of your lists.
Whatever your negative sexpectation is, take it, write it on a piece of paper, wad it up, trash it, and then replace it with a new positive sexpectation and a plan of action.
Share with Us
How do you battle negative sexpectations? How do you reinforce positive sexpectations?