30 Dates in November: What About Sex?
I want to dedicate the weekends in November to sex (though I may broach the topic during the week too). On Saturdays and Sundays I’ll be challenging you in the areas of your sexual intimacy with your husband. These challenges are designed to direct you to God’s picture of sex, get you thinking, and stretch you outside your comfort zone.
I realize not everyone has a fantastic sex life. In fact, most of you have probably experienced and are experiencing “bumps in the road.” I want to be clear from the beginning: My sexual intimacy with my husband is far from perfect, but I would describe it as a glorious mess of love and learning, passion and perplexities, happiness and hiccups. The key to healthy sexual intimacy is to think positively and approach willingly.
This doesn’t work for me! you may be lamenting. Take the challenges and make them your own. Do what works for you two in your marriage right now.
I’d like to address some questions and concerns that may be running through your mind right now:
1. What if we’re too busy for sex?
I addressed “what if we’re too busy” in Help! I Can’t Do a Project for 30 Days Straight! Busyness isn’t an excuse. Karen Scalf Linamen, author of Pillow Talk, writes, “There is nothing spiritual about a marriage in which sex is ignored or repressed.” So you don’t have time to go away for an entire weekend and dedicate it to rediscovering your sexual passion. So you don’t have time to have sex everyday. But sex should still be a priority in and out of the bedroom.
Get creative! Sex isn’t limited to the sex act itself. You can “be sexy” with your husband without having tearing-down-the-house passion everyday. Check out these posts of mine for inspiration: Go Ahead! Be “That” Couple! 14 Things to Do In and Out of Bed, 10 Fun Ways to Flirt with Your Husband, 8 Benefits of Early Morning Sex, Sabbath Rest & Sex, 15 Ways to Touch More, How to Give a Sensual Massage, and/or Is Dressing Sexy for My Husband Biblical? and Wear Something Sexy.
2. What if my husband and I are in a rough patch right now?
Sex may be the furthest thing from your mind. Please don’t skip over the weekends! You don’t need to have rocking-wild sex in order to do these challenges. In fact, many of them begin with your thoughts and attitudes.
Meditate on Song of Solomon 8:6-7 throughout the remainder of October, and pray this for your marriage.
Maybe this means you’ll be able to stay in the same room while you eat dinner and actually hold hands. Maybe it means making sex more of a priority (my husband and I find that regular physical intimacy helps guard against quarreling outside the bedroom). Maybe it means trying new things in the bedroom. No accomplishment is too small!
3. What if sex is uncomfortable or painful for me (or him or both of us)?
If you haven’t already, please go get checked out by your primary care physician or gynecologist. A doctor can help you identify causes of pain and help you work through physical discomfort.
That being said – there are other ways to connect sexually without intercourse. Sex is all-encompassing: mind, body, heart, and spirit. Focus on other aspects of sex like snuggling, massaging, showering together, making out, or touching. Don’t let pain hold you back from connecting with your husband intimately.
4. What if my husband doesn’t want to have sex with me?
If you’re on the receiving end of “no sex” due to a spouse with a low-libido, don’t despair. I love the advice Sheila Gregoire offers on her blog, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: “Focus on intimacy, not sexual release.” Let your husband know your heart’s desires and communicate your desire to be closer with one another in a loving, non-accusative way.
Julie Sibert, author of blog Intimacy in Marriage, provides a wonderful resource list of posts addressing this issue of Wives Who Want More Sex And Aren’t Getting It. I highly recommend reading through these.
5. What if I don’t want sex?
Start in prayer. Continue in prayer. Don’t stop praying! Check out my post: Is Withholding Sex from My Husband a Sin? No judgment here. Really. I just explain the sticky 1 Corinthians 7 passage. Also, my lovely friend and talented writer, Bonny has a heart for encouraging women with low-libido. She has a wonderful article called The Best Kept Secret To Lift Low Female Libido over on her blog, Pearl’s OysterBed that I’d recommend reading.
This post is included in the introductory posts for the 30 Dates in November Challenge. Check out other posts in the series – 30 Dates in November Revamped: Planning to Love Your Husband Purposefully and Help! I Can’t Do a Project for 30 Days Straight!
Share with Us
What other questions and concerns do you have about the “sex” part of the 30 Dates in November Challenge? What are you looking forward to?