Desperate to be Led, Friday’s Feedback

Reader Question: My husband isn’t a lazy man. He works hard and provides for our family. But he isn’t very involved in our lives. We have obligatory sex, and I do all the child disciplining, and make a good portion of the financial details. We go to church on Sundays and everything seems great, but it’s really not. I’m desperate for my husband to be more of a leader. Help!

Editor’s Note: Today’s guest post is another wonderful CMBA-er, Tami Myer. Be sure to check out her awesome marriage-uplifting blog, Manna for Marriage, but first read her wonderful guest post response to this reader. 

desperate for a leader

I admire your desire for growth in your marriage and your commitment to your family. I especially want to commend you for recognizing some of your husband’s strengths.  In fact, I would encourage you to keep recognizing his strengths and to give even greater weight to them. The fact that he is a hardworking provider–and attends church with the family–is HUGE. That is worthy of your ongoing applause and appreciation.

Recognize that you probably have relational abilities that he doesn’t have in the same way that you do. That’s okay; he has abilities that you don’t have. Look for the unique strengths that he has. Appreciate the ways in which he contributes to the family according to God’s design for him. His gifts are different from yours, but that it is good because now your family is doubly blessed!

Continue to graciously invite your husband to be involved with the family, but refuse to be resentful if he declines. Look for ways of connecting that work well for your husband, and build on those. Let go of the ways that aren’t comfortable for him right now. But gently build where you can.

One of the greatest blessings you can give your children is teaching them to honor their father–both by instruction and by modeling.  “Translate” your husband’s hard work (and other commendable things) as active love to them; help them to see that and appreciate it. It is possible for children to be more harmed by mothers who model dishonor than by fathers who work long hours.

Often, when women say they want their husbands to be leaders, they mean that they want their husbands to do certain “spiritual” things. But wives should feel free to let go of their expectations and their sense of need in this area. When God says that the husband is the head in a marriage, it means that he is responsible to God for the well-being of his wife. This is an accountability issue between the man and God; it is not, as women often think, a particular list of chores for the man, such as leading in family devotions or praying each night with his wife. Those are great things, of course; but that is not the core issue of headship.

As wives, our assignment is to cooperate with our husbands more than to correct them. We were designed to invite our husbands, using the fragrance of “purity and reverence,” into a deeper relationship with God; we were not created to push them into it.


A woman strengthens her husband’s leadership by following him. She doesn’t make him a leader by leading him or by instructing him. A woman is most powerful in advancing God’s work for her husband when she prays for her husband and serves him according to his needs. As wives, we build a platform when we trust and obey God; upon that platform, God then builds marriages and men.

The goal of a godly wife is not to change her husband; it is to make God attractive to him. She does this by letting the Spirit shape her into a woman who is peaceful, honoring, welcoming, and supportive.  When a man’s wife communicates warm acceptance and unconditional respect, he is drawn to her God.

hands of prayer

God has encouragement for you! He wants you to trust Him, to be content with His timing and His plan, and to be satisfied with His goodness and faithfulness to you. Your quiet, steady trust in God and your respectful building-up of your husband will create a platform upon which your husband can grow. When we take our shaping hands off our husbands and instead put uplifting hands and prayers under them, then God is able to be the Shaper. He will shape our spirits, our marriages, and our joy.

Tami Myer “Whether you feel that you are starving in your    marriage or feasting, God has truth that will nourish and strengthen your relationship. Your marriage is worth nurturing because your marriage represents people who are worth loving.” (Tami Myer.

Friday's FeedbackThis post is part of Friday’s Feedback: Your Questions Answered. I love to hear from my readers at any time. If you have a question you’d like answered on the blog, please don’t hesitate to Email Me. Please type: FRIDAY FEEDBACK QUESTION in all-caps in the subject box before adding your question. Your questions will always be posted anonymously on BHE. If you have questions or concerns about the Privacy Policy or the Guidelines for what gets published, please click here. I try to respond promptly to all emails, but that’s not always the case. Please shoot me a secondary email if you feel the response time is taking too long.

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Whenever I have a post, I add it here. Check out my entries under Spiritual, Meditation, and Religion, and Family, Parenting, and Marriage.

Whenever I have a post, I add it here. Check out my entries under Spiritual, Meditation, and Religion, and Family, Parenting, and Marriage.


1 Comment


    1. 15 More Ways to Encourage Your Husband, Part 2 | Becoming His Eve

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