I’ll Be Waiting for You Baby, [The Conclusion of 10 Secrets from a Wife Who Waited…and Who Loves Married Sex] Day 1

I’ve never run a marathon before, or a half-marathon for that matter. I do like to think of myself as a sort-of runner. When I’m stressed, upset, or just needed to burn up some excess energy, I always find running to be cathartic – just me and God meeting on the road between the pounding of my feet on the pavement and the stilted breathing. In that place, I met my Lord.

Preparing for marriage and planning my wedding felt very much like what I’d describe to be a marathon…or maybe a 100 meter sprint backwards and blindfolded. I’d also describe myself as a physical woman. I enjoy being active, getting outdoors and moving. I also appreciate the firm grasp of a good handshake, the warmth of a friend’s embrace, and I love my husband’s kisses even more now than I did when we were dating. Knowing that, you can probably imagine how difficult it was for me to wait until marriage. You and I are human, and human beings were created by our Designer to need physical contact. It reminds us why we’re alive – and gives us a chance to touch a part of our Creator God. It also gives us incredible comfort and reassurance – that we are not alone.

During my engagement, I lived on my own for nine months. I was under a lot of physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pressure. I was trying to finish an academically challenging final semester in college while working three jobs to support myself and pay for my wedding. I was having difficulty with my family, I was struggling with my faith and what I was supposed to do with the rest of my life, and on top of everything else, I fell ill. If it weren’t for God’s miraculous hand in my life, a supportive group of friends who had become like family, and the love of my life, my fiancé, I think I would’ve fallen apart.

There were times I felt incredibly alone, and impatient. I just wanted everything to be over with and behind me. I wanted to be married, to be with my husband. I recall several times hearing a voice in my head saying, “You’re already engaged… it’s okay…” Doesn’t it sometimes feel that easy? It’s not really hurting anyone, right? I’m in love so it’s all right? It’s not really sinful if we’re engaged, hmm?

“Being with” the one you love before marriage is NOT what God designed us for…nor what He intended. In August, I wrote a series called 10 Secrets from a Wife Who Waited…and Who Loves Married Sex. I never finished. Today I will.

What is the #1 reason I waited…

                           …Love is patient!

An impatient Israel grumbled as they wandered around in the wilderness and many of them were unable to see the Promised Land. God raises up Moses and draws them out of Egypt, out of enslavement. God did not leave their side – as the Cloud by day and the Pillar of Fire by night, He goes before them. God then leads them to the Red Sea so that Pharaoh, when he comes after the Israelites, will think that they’re confused and they will die.  But God has an amazing plan! The Red Sea could’ve been parted already and waiting for the Israelites to walk through, but instead asks Israel to wait, and parted it later. Why? So “the Egyptians will know that I am the Lord when I gain glory” (Ex. 14:18).

God has a plan for His honor and His glory. When I was in my crazy sprint toward my wedding and a vow that would ultimately affect the rest of my life – marriage, He went before me also with a plan for my honor and my glory. God asked me to wait for Adam and He was right beside me, fighting with me what seemed like an uphill battle against temptation, guiding me through the desert of my patience-stretched-thin. On the darkest and loneliest nights, God whispered reassurances to my heart that it was worth it because not only would He be honored and glorified, but I would bring glory and honor to my husband-to-be…because love is patient.

Sex outside of marriage is impatient, lacking the love needed to sustain marriage. 

Impatience says, “I don’t love you enough to fight temptation.” Impatience says, “I don’t love you enough to do what’s best for you.” Impatience says, “I don’t love you enough to wait.”

Waiting for married sex shows strength of character and a deep love for God and your future spouse. 

Patience says, “I love you period…

                                 …no matter what!

I may have found some comfort in the arms of my lover before marriage, but not the kind of lasting comfort, pleasure, and joy God promises for those who wait. I wouldn’t get to see the long awaited “Promised Land” on my wedding night, and the taste of milk and honey would have soured and fermented.

With the pressures of wedding planning and the stresses of life closing in like the oppressive wheels of the Egyptian chariots, I could have easily panicked and jumped into the “Red Sea” heading for the Promised Land on my own. But I never would have made it, drowning in my own foolish attempts to do God’s job.

Do not be terrified; do not be afraid... The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as He did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes,and in the wilderness. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his [daughter], all the way you went until you reached this place.” Deuteronomy 1:29-31.

In those moments when you’re struggling to wait, when you’re willing to settle, when you wanting to jump the line, run to the arms of God. Don’t disregard God’s plan when the race becomes painful or overwhelming. When it’s tempting to give in or jump ahead, remember that the Lord remembers those who wait on Him, and the Promised Land is waiting for you at the other end.

Listen to this song Love is Waiting by Brooke Fraser. She captures the thought perfectly, “When it’s time to walk that way, we wanna walk it well.”

Patience says, “I’ll fight the battle with honor…

…for the real glory of a rightly-won victory, saving the darkest of nights for you and you alone the right way.”

Walk the way well. Fight the good fight with faith in God that He knows what He’s doing because you never have to blaze into the Great Unknown – God’s already been there

Why do I love married sex? Because I patiently waited no matter how challenging the race was getting there and because the ultimate test of love is to wait. And the waiting for my Adam, my Promised Land, was worth it because it was done the right way.

——Bottom Line————————-

1 Corinthians 13:4 says, “Love is patient…” Replace the word love with your name and ask yourself if you can truly say, “I’ll be waiting for you, baby!”

This is Day 1 of the ½ marathon blogging challenge from the CMBA. For the first 13 days in October, you will get a nonstop taste of my writing. To see the official rules, click here. To see other CMBA bloggers’ posts, click here.

I’d love to hear from you…

Do you think patience is the ultimate test of love? Why or why not? If you’re already married, what lessons did God teach you while waiting for marriage? Was it worth it? What advice would you pass on to those who are waiting? If you didn’t wait, what would you have done differently?

Related Posts

1. Blazing into the Great Known, 13.1 Blog Challenge Intro 

2. 10 Secrets from a Wife Who Waited…and Who Loves Married Sex series

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23 Comments

  1. Miss Wanza

    After reading all 5 posts in this series I can say the 10 reasons were very eye-opening for me. I’m blown away. I’m not married yet but feel very encouraged that the wait is worth it. I think I’ll write them in my journal to keep referring to. :-) I’ve also posted the links to the posts on my blog. I believe many people can benefit from hearing this. Thanks for allowing God to use you and for being so open!

    • Thanks Miss Wanza. I’m so glad that you enjoyed the series. I hope to encourage all young women to take what God says seriously and to protect their most valuable assets – their hearts, minds, and bodies. Purity is so underrated these days and I want to spread the message that it’s worth waiting for sex. May God bless you and your commitment to purity and prepare your heart, mind, and body for a God-glorifying marriage someday.

  2. I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit we didn’t wait until we were married either we were never taught about not putting ourselves into precarious situations and things progressed slowly but surely. In our minds and hearts though we knew it was wrong. In fact, I never managed to have an orgasm with my (now) wife until after we were married. As soon as we were married, it was a switch turned on in my brain that now it was OK. Unfortunately, this is about the same time that my wife started taking birth-control pills and our sex life tanked for years.

    We’ve always regretted not waiting, and I’m not sure we’re 100% over it yet. I wish so badly that we had waited, but one cannot go back, only accept forgiveness and move on teaching others and hoping better for them. My one consolation is that were were/are each others firsts for everything.

    • Thank you for being brave enough to share. You’re not the only ones out there, so take heart in that!

      My husband and I struggled and crossed boundaries we never thought we would when we were dating, but we did save intercourse for marriage and I’m so thankful we did. But our “experimenting” did come back to bite us. I struggled with being comfortable with my body during the first year of our marriage and we had troubles putting the other person first and not rushing things. We had rushed things all through dating/engagement that it was kind of hard to take a step back and just learn in God’s timing, the way He intended originally. Neither my husband and I are patient people.

      My husband and I began praying for our sex life about halfway through our first year of marriage. We confessed our sins before Him and were comforted because we didn’t have to continually atone time and time again for our past sexual mistakes. Christ died once on the cross, and while we are to crucify our active current sins every day, we don’t have to continually make up for past mistakes once we’ve confessed our sins. God is faithful and just and forgives us. As I told Jenny in my previous comment response, guilt and shame are not from God. Sex on the marriage bed is not supposed to feel guilty or shameful because of past sexual experiences/encounters/struggles/whatever you want to call them. In fact, God is glorified in our sex life and that frees us to thoroughly and totally enjoy and love one another.

      • I agree 100%. I don’t believe we’re dealing with guilt or shame, but there are still psychological ramifications to be dealt with that surface randomly during our conversations. Some of them we’re not even aware of consciously until they come up. There are reasons God tell us to wait, it’s not about blind obedience, and when we don’t listen, there are repercussions, not punishment, just a natural cause and effect from not following God’s Plan. With God’s help, we’ll get through them, and we are, but it’s a process.

        • I totally understand. Sometimes I’m not even aware of why something is bothering me but I know it’s related to what happened before. Satan likes to wedge in between husbands and wives in any way or manner he can, including making you believe that you aren’t truly forgiven and that you should still be feeling guilty and ashamed or some other negative emotion. That’s why it’s so important for a husband/wife to pray over their sex life and ask God to protect them from Satan butting in and messing with their hearts/minds/bodies. I would highly recommend doing this to any married couple, even one with a healthy sex life not damaged by premarital sex. Meditate on Bible verses (like ones from Song of Songs… you can pick the ones you like) about the beauty of married sex life (maybe even memorize them to call to mind when the Devil creeps in and tries to make you or your wife doubt). God has given us the gift of the present, and He washes our sins away so that we’re no longer scarlet, but pure as snow.

  3. Jenny

    My husband and I did have a sexual relationship before marriage. We don’t regret anything, and remember those days fondly (although we definitely become closer and happier as the years go by!). We may have jumped the gun a bit, but we were still each other’s first everything. We still have an incredible, HOT, entirely intimate sex life, ten years later. More than that, we have a beautiful, healthy relationship. We’re absolutely best friends – he actually told me that last night while we were snuggling after sex. :)

    You wrote this:
    “I may have found some comfort in the arms of my lover before marriage, but not the kind of lasting comfort, pleasure, and joy God promises for those who wait. I wouldn’t get to see the long awaited “Promised Land” on my wedding night, and the taste of milk and honey would have soured and fermented.”

    ….which is absolutely not true. God is the Great Redeemer, after all. Every marriage is made up of two people who stumble in many ways – that does not in any way mean that God will refuse “lasting comfort, pleasure, and joy,” in their marriage; it in no way means that the sexually intimate relationship in a marriage will “sour and ferment.” My husband is even more delighted and captivated by my naked body than he was even back then, and I by his. We experience a deeply satisfying intimacy when we make love (which we do every day), and it’s even more fun and hot now than it was back then!

    • Jenny, I appreciate your thoughts, especially since they are different from mine. I was writing this post….
      1. to encourage young single women NOT to sleep around and how detrimental it is to a woman’s heart, mind, and body for the long term, and
      2. to speak to the temptations that dating/engaged couples struggle with in their relationship and to encourage them to hold out for the wedding night.
      There are many cases of women who are engaged who jump into bed with their fiance and then later they break off the engagement (for reasons that may very easily not be sex-related). God intended sex to be between one man and one woman after they are joined together in marriage and every time you have sex with someone, you give a little piece of yourself away, even if this person is your longterm boyfriend or fiance. There is always the possibility that the engagement won’t last, and knowing that another man had been with you (or your man had been with another woman) may always be in the back of your mind.

      However, speaking to your other point, there are also many cases of couples (Christians and nonChristians alike) who are only with each other and no one else and they end up getting married. I remember the pressure my husband and I struggled with when we were dating/engaged. I’m not sure if you read some of my previous posts in this series (10 Secrets of a Wife Who Waited… and Who Loves Married Sex)… I explained some of my other reasons for why I waited and why it was so important. But you are absolutely right! God can redeem anyone and anything. He can take our brokenness, our failures, our givings in to temptation and turn it around into something beautiful and more wonderful than had everything been the way it was supposed to in the first place.

      I absolutely believe it is Biblical that premarital sex (and extramarital sex) is a sin, but I also absolutely believe in the redemptive power of God. A husband and wife could absolutely have lasting comfort, joy, and pleasure in their married sex life after having sex before marriage because of the grace of God. But there is safety, comfort, joy, peace, and pleasure in waiting until marriage that just isn’t there before marriage. But again, this is not to say that God can’t redeem our mistakes. I didn’t mean that the marriage would “sour or ferment” as you put it, or that the wedding night would be horrible because you tried it beforehand. But it’s kind of like peeking at presents multiple times before Christmas morning. It’s not quite as special and exciting and beautiful when you already know what you’re getting. You rob yourself of the first-time joy and awe. Those first moments… you can never take them back. You can never go back and be a virgin again. You can’t cover up and pretend you didn’t see each other. Everything has been exposed, and the gift of first time sex to your husband will have been lost if it’s not done in the right way.

      However, this post was not at all to guilt trip those who have been sexually active before marriage. This post was not written to shame those who have given themselves away and who have struggled with sexual impurity. Guilt and shame are not from God. This post was to be an encouragement to young women to hold out for God’s plan instead of jumping in too quickly. God’s plans are always better than our own because He knows what’s best for us, He will protect us, and He loves us, even if His plans don’t make sense to us now or are hard. But it can also be in God’s plan to bring Himself greater glory through our failures and return to His redemptive grace.

      • Jenny

        I do agree that it’s best to wait until marriage. There are very practical reasons to not have sex outside of marriage, which is part of why I think the Bible warns against it. Those reasons include: a, the threat of STDs, which were around even back in Bible times; b, the emotional aspect – God designed sex as an intimate expression of love, and building sexual intimacy with one single person within the confines of a monogamous, loving relationship that also includes friendship and a shared life, is utterly fulfilling and satisfying; and c, the spiritual aspect – you become one flesh in God’s eyes when you have sex with someone. And you are absolutely right, there are many people who plan to get married, and then wind up breaking it off……and then you do have to live with the fact that you gave yourself to someone other than your future spouse. I’m very thankful that my husband and I did wind up staying together, because that’s not the case with everyone!

        However, because we did stay together, our first moments are still very special to us. :) Neither one of us has ever felt robbed or cheated. We did experience the first-time awe and joy together, and we still smile when we think about it. The gift of first-time sex with my husband wasn’t lost, because it happened, and it was exceedingly sweet. We would never want to take those moments back. Those early moments of intimacy are dear memories that we have never regretted. Perhaps this is because we believe that we became one flesh under God when we had sex, and so that bound us together spiritually and emotionally, to the point where it was unthinkable to leave the relationship. We don’t believe that the government has the right to define marriage. Marriage is a spiritual union, a commitment made before God, and whether or not you’ve signed papers has no significance on whether or not you’re actually married. Granted, signing the papers gives you a greater incentive to stay, because if you “break up” you’ll have to pay a whole lot of money for a divorce – but if you stay and work through problems even without that incentive….well, that says a lot.

        • Good points, Jenny. I really do appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I, too, don’t think that marriage should be defined by the government, and that a piece of paper or a ring really doesn’t mean anything, but it is a physical representation of a spiritual/sexual union. I’m glad that you and your husband are still able to look back on your sexual journey together without regrets and were able to have sweet, intimate moments together.

          But not every couple is that blessed. Many couples are racked with guilt and shame for years, struggle with physical issues (not related to sex, but that hamper sex), emotional issues, birth control issues, and pregnancy issues because of premarital sex even if they are with the same partner the entire time. The risks you run and the consequences you face are still there, even with God’s grace and blessings (and of course,that’s not to say that couples who wait until marriage don’t struggle with some of the same issues). Who are we to know the mind of God and how He works and what He intends for each individual person! Those issues too could be completely unrelated to sexual sins. But God does say this in His Word, in Galatians 6:7-8 (NIV)
          “Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. The one who sows to please his sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.” We deceive ourselves if we think it’s okay anyway or if we think we can get away with it. A woman and man who willfully choose to disobey God time and time again are reaping destruction on their heads.

          As I told Jay Dee, my husband and I weren’t perfect either, and we crossed some boundaries due to the enormity of our temptations at times, and while we did save sexual intercourse until marriage, we both battled guilt/shame, physical issues, emotional frustrations, and spiritual consequences for the first nine months of our marriage until God worked in our hearts and lives, we confessed our sexual pre-marital sins, and allowed His forgiveness to wash over us and oh wow! did that ever change our sex life! We experienced so much more joy and pleasure and love than we ever did before! Would I go back and change what we did before getting married? Were not some of those moments beautiful? Absolutely yes! These moments helped shape who we are and allowed us to experience the infinite depths of God’s grace in a way I don’t think we could’ve otherwise. But, would I recommend my teenage daughter have fool around with her boyfriend? No. Would I recommend my college-age son to give into temptations so that he could experience the grace of God the same way we did? No. I would want my children to learn from our mistakes, and to know that God loves them and wants what’s best for them when He tells us to wait, but even if they weren’t to wait, I wouldn’t want to guilt trip them or shame them. I would want them to know that they, like my husband and I, could find sweet forgiveness in the Lord. I hope to pass along my experiences and limited knowledge/wisdom to help and encourage others,which is why I’m writing this blog.

          • Just to clarify also: The biggest problem is not in the sexual sin itself… it’s in never admitting your wrong or going to the Lord for forgiveness and allowing the Holy Spirit to work in your heart to make it anew and to help you walk away from sin. I’m judging from these comments, that this was not a problem for you and your husband, but it is one that many couples in our society struggle. But I also absolutely believe that God can heal a person as if he/she were still a virgin on their wedding night.

  4. Patience is the key to so many areas of marriage. Beautiful post!

  5. Thanks for reminding us of this important point: Love is Patient. I’ve been married for years and years now, and even though I’m on the other end of married life where our kids have grown up and moved out, it is STILL a good lesson to remember: Love is Patient. My Dear Hubby has been ill lately and not really able to “do things” even though he would really like to! And the temptation is there just like when we were younger…to cross the line and think of our own needs. But nope: Love is Patient and I promised this man to love him…not to get my sexual needs met. So your topic really hits home. Love really is PATIENT!!

    • It’s difficult when one spouse is unable to fulfill the other’s sexual needs. Heaven knows my husband and I both have had our share of frustrations when the other just couldn’t, but God has taught us how important it is to be patient. I’m so thankful to have a husband that is kind and gentle and doesn’t pressure me when I just can’t, but also one who helps me break past my fears and barriers.

  6. Great article! I’m having trouble posting today:( I really enjoyed reading your heartfelt testimony. You are reaping blessed love/joy of sex from the patience and obedience you sowed :)

  7. Love it!!! I can’t listen to the song from your blog via my iPad but I will look on the YouTube app for it:-) I’m so glad you are reaping the blessing of what you have so patiently and obediently sown–love and joy of sex within your marriage. We can do all things through Christ who strengthens us!! I teach my daughter to wait and I pray she will look to The Lord to strengthen her against temptation.

    • Thank you, Cassandra for your sweet thoughts! The song is so beautiful. I love it! Had to share! May God give you wisdom in how to talk with your daughter and help prepare her for her beautiful wedding night!

  8. My husband and I were virgins when we met. We had no idea the temptation to have sex before we married would be so strong. Too many times we put ourselves in precarious situations that should have been avoided. While we weren’t completely pure and inexperienced on our wedding night, fortunately we had the actual act of intercourse to experience for the first time together. I tell my kids now they can’t/shouldn’t even KISS before they get married. It’s just too tempting. Good post. I’m participating in the marathon too!

    http://lovingwhenithurts.blogspot.com/2012/10/the-shift.html

    • Jamie, thanks so much for sharing! It is incredibly tempting. You never realize how much so until you’re in the actual situation. When dating, my husband and I found ourselves in situations that we never would’ve even thought about doing before marriage before and suddenly your hormones are raging and your heart is beating fast and he’s looking really really sexy…and well… so many young women, women who were raised in the Church and godly families to know better and yet they find themselves going over the edge. While my husband and I also weren’t “completely pure” as you put it also, we were so grateful and blessed to have waited to consummate our love until our wedding night.

      I respect your decision to tell your kids not to kiss before getting married, even if I’m not sure I would say that specifically. There’s a lot of debate going on around this topic among godly parents, and while I’m not a parent yet, I totally agree that parents should be helping their kids set healthy boundaries and accountability for themselves in their dating relationships, and why waiting is so worth it!

Trackbacks

  1. To Honor, Day 5 | Becoming His Eve
  2. Driving to the Moon and Back – Protecting Your Husband’s Heart, Part 2, Day 10 | Becoming His Eve

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