10 Secrets from a Wife Who Waited…and Who Loves Married Sex, Part 1

Editor’s Note: This is Part 5A in Let’s Talk Sex series – Waiting for Marriage.  

This type of post seems to be a trend among us members of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association. I’ve caught the “10 Confessions” bug. But I wanted to take a slightly different route and explain why it was so wonderful to wait until marriage for my unmarried readers, and to encourage my married readers.

Here are my top 10 secrets, beginning at 10 and counting down to the #1 secret I’ve discovered about sex. Today I will share three.

10. Married Sex is Secure!

Sex outside of marriage is convenient. Sex within marriage is a covenant.

Pre-marital or extra-marital sex is just a convenient way to appease your hormones. Safety is a primary concern among women. We want to know that we’re safe, not just in our homes, cars, neighborhoods, schools, workplaces, finances, and social activities, but in our sex lives too.

I have discovered the beauty of the covenant of sex I’ve made with my husband. A covenant is more fruitful, rewarding, and secure than a convenience. I have come to learn we can do without things that are “convenient,” but  a covenant? That’s not so easy to live without. God has made a covenant with His people – He promised the Israelites they would have a beautiful homeland to call their own. He promised sinners a get-out-of-jail-free card to those who confessed their sins and believed in Him, professing Him to be their Lord and Savior. Blood bound God to His Word. He sent His only Son to die for us, to take our place; His blood was spilled so that we might be new, clean, and whole.

Towardabundantlife, a guest blogger on the Peacefulwife blog, writes this in her article Brides and Butchers,

There is a lot of talk about covenants at weddings.  A covenant is a nice term for a rather gruesome affair (you can read about one in Genesis 15).  When people made a covenant in the ancient world, they were making an agreement that lasted their whole lifetime.  It included their children, born and unborn.  They made it official not by saying nice things or feeding each other cake, but by slaughtering livestock. It was serious business.  Somebody had to die. After stating the terms of the covenant, they split the slaughtered animals down the middle and walked between the splayed halves. They faced each other amid the carcasses and said something to the effect of,  “May God do this and more to me if I break this covenant with you.”  In other words, “I would rather be cut in half than break my promise”.”

While we dispensed with the blood sacrifice at our wedding, Adam and I understood the seriousness of the covenant we were entering. It wasn’t merely a contract to be broken if one or both of us weren’t happy. We are in this marriage for life and divorce is not an option. Adam is willing to lay his life on the line if necessary for me just as Christ did for the Church because that’s how much he is called to love me. (Ephesians 5:25-31), and that is why married sex is so secure. He isn’t going to leave me because he loves me, enough to die for me.

Place me as a seal over your arm; for love is as strong as death…” Song of Songs 8:6. Marriage covenant is forever. It is an eternal seal, until death parts you. When you enter a marriage covenant before your family, friends, and community, it’s not just the two of you who are bound together. It is God who binds you together. Ecclesiastes 4:12 says, “Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

Why do I loved married sex? Because my husband, God, and I are bound together securely in the covenant of marriage, and that’s powerful! 

9. Married Sex is Comfortable!

Sex outside of marriage leaves you on edge. Sex within marriage gives you comfort.  

Think about it! When you’re not married, you have something to hide when you have sex. You might be afraid of someone walking in on you. You might have to go to extreme lengths to find a “safe” place for sex. You might be worried about someone else finding out accidentally.

Married sex is beautiful in that I don’t have to worry physically, mentally, or emotionally. I am engaging in sex the way God intended. If someone knows, oh well! I’m married. I’m expressing love to my husband. I can be completely comfortable and vulnerable with my husband because we are married and we don’t have to constantly come up with excuses for being physical, new locations to hide, and lies to explain away our actions.

I’m not saying married sex is perfect, or that I’ll never experience discomfort. But married sex is deeply satisfying and I find consolation in the fact that there’s no need to fear on the marriage bed. 1 John 4:18 says, “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” When I am fearful, I am afraid of the negative consequences. “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1),” no negative consequences for those who follow His teachings – waiting for marriage : “ I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires” Song of Solomon 8:4.

Why do I love married sex? Because I can be myself on the marriage bed, without fear of reprimand or consequences.

8. Married Sex is Better and Feels Good!

Sex outside of marriage “feels” good. Sex within marriage IS better. 

Let me ask you something. Would you take a job because it feels good? You’d be noticed more at work and appreciated, and you’d be rolling in dough? Or would you take a job because it is good – because although you aren’t making as much money, you don’t have to compromise your ethics to do your job, because you are genuinely making a difference in this world without stepping on other people, and because you will have the opportunity to work hard and earn more money even if it takes longer? I don’t know about you but I’d choose the latter.

Married sex is better because it’s the right way to go. Ephesians 5:31 says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” But married sex is also supposed to feel good. I can’t tell you the number of Christian women who have said, “Sex is just a duty of marriage,” or “Bite the bullet and get it over with.” LIES! Sex is not just for the man. God designed sex with us in mind too. Why do you think He gave us certain…*cough, cough* female body parts? Sex has gotten a bad rap in the Church. Because it’s been polluted by sin, it’s an off-limits conversation. Good girls aren’t supposed to enjoy sex, right?

Wrong! Sex outside of marriage may “feel good” for a little while, but married sex is good, and feels good. God created one man and one woman to leave their parents and to be united body, mind, heart, and soul to one another. God created pleasure in sex as a way for a wife to honor and respect her husband and for a husband to love his wife. Just read the beloved’s description of her lover in Song of Songs 5:10-16. She is ecstatic about being married to him. In Song of Solomon 7:10, she begins, “I belong to my beloved,” but then she continues, “…and his desire is for me.” He desires her, and so he should.

My husband forsakes all others when he comes to the marital bed. He honors me by giving of himself and making sure that I experience pleasure because it brings him pleasure to do so. He honors me by making me feel special, beautiful, and desired like no one else ever can or will.

Why do I love married sex? Because my husband wants what is best for me, and has made an everlasting commitment to love, honor, and serve me on and off the marriage bed, bringing me deep pleasure and happiness. Because my husband finds it sexy when I enjoy sex with him. ;o)

I’d love to hear from you…

Why do you love married sex? For those of you who waited, was it worth it? If you’re unmarried (single, dating, and engaged), what are some of the hardest things about waiting and how can we at the BHE community pray for you?

Related Posts:

To read other related posts in the Let’s Talk Sex series, click here.

Posts by Fellow CMBA-r’s:

1. 10 Confessions of a Wife Who Loves Sex from Julie at Intimacy in Marriage

2. Confessions of a Sex-Happy Wife from J at Hot, Holy, and Humorous

3. 10 Confessions from a Sex-Positive Wife from Lori at The Generous Wife 

4. 10 Confessions of Another Sex-Positive Wife from Kate at One Flesh Marriage

5. 10 Confessions of a Sex-Positive Husband from Brad at One Flesh Marriage

17 Comments

  1. ChildofRa

    Speaking as a virgin, I dont see how its difficult not engaging in sex. Sex never comes into the mind until you hit puberty and even though the body can be engaged in this activity ,its not like one will die if they dont get laid.

    I had plenty guys approach me about sex. I wasn’t allowed to date till I was sixteen & my first date didnt happen till I was 23 and didnt even know it was a date till i came home & my mom told me it was a date.

    • I can’t say I completely agree with you because when I was a virgin (prior to marriage), sex was still something that crossed my mind and I do believe it affects many young women (and men). Sex isn’t something that’s talked about all that positively in the church which I think is some of the problem for unmarrieds (curiosity, the lure of the forbidden, misplaced desire, inability to handle these desires in a godly, healthy way, etc). Sexuality is an important part of our bodies’ makeup and it’s something God has gifted us with and it can’t simply be ignored.

      However, with God all things are possible. Waiting until marriage for sex is possible with the help of the Holy Spirit, prayer, discipline, and encouragement/support from other godly women. I don’t believe all women have the support/resources/understanding needed to be able to wait and channel their sexuality in a healthy, God-honoring, future-spouse-honoring way and this is something I’m trying to encourage through my blog ministry and conversations with others.

      I appreciate your candor and your input and I admire you for being confident in waiting.

      • ChildofRa

        Well maybe i should have said sex doesn’t cross the mind of a few & yes i think that not only the church but secular people as well need sex positivey. For church goers its like sex is evil and for secular people sex is just carefree – both are bad ideas and dont really help people especially teens going through well being a teenagers.

        • I am a churchgoer and I totally believe sex is a positive, God-honoring, God-ordained thing. I know many other women in the blogosphere and IRL who also hold this viewpoint. The early church’s response to a secular (carefree sex) world (ancient Roman/Greek influence) was to say sex is worldly and unnecessary. This is how we got weird twisted views of sex in the Church like sex isn’t meant to be pleasurable for women, we shouldn’t talk about it at all, and sex is only for procreation (which are all false and unbiblical). Just read Song of Solomon and it’s pretty racy, but 100% Scriptural. The secular world predominantly turns sex into god – just look at the media. You’re absolutely right though – neither of these views are helpful for teenagers or anyone for that matter and is actually detrimental. The church needs to get over the fact that it’s awkward – and talk about it because until we do, we’re not helping things or making any positive difference or impact in the lives of young people (and others) because sex is a huge part of life. God designed sex to be beautiful, intimate, and pleasing. I am hoping to be one of the many women in the postmodern church to advocate for a positive, healthy, meaningful, necessary, and vital view of sexuality, especially in marriage.

  2. Butterfly

    Wonderful article! Sex was worth waiting for me and my husband. Our first night as married couple was absolutely fantastic. We believe that the excitement was there because we never unwrapped or peeped thru the present until it was right to do so… You are absolutely right, sex is designed by God for married couples to enjoy… it was just being polluted by sin.

  3. I wish my mother could have read this post! I believe it would have really helped her. Thank you for sharing with us a NOBH. Lessons like this are truly needed!

  4. Hi Hannah, I’m flattered that you’ve cited my article Brides and Butchers on couple of occasions. While April was kind enough to re-post it on her blog, I originally wrote it for my blog, towardabundantlife. I hope people will check it out and read the story of what God has done and is doing in my life. Thanks!

    • Towardabundantlife,
      I apologize. I should’ve paid closer attention to the author. I will definitely correct that in this article.

      • Thanks. I hate to make an issue out of it because it isn’t about me getting credit, but I do want to seize every opportunity to share God’s history of faithfulness in my life. I appreciate your help in getting the word out there.

        • No I completely understand. I’ve had the same thing happen to me too and I want to bring God the glory, but I also want the opportunity to share my testimony and what I’m learning with other readers.

  5. Great, great, great post Hannah! Love it!! It is tragic how sex has been so distorted in society… how so many people have taken something sacred and cheapened it. Worse, they’ve given the impression that the sacred version (sex within marriage) is boring, less passionate, etc. I think often of the verse that says even Satan masquerades as light. And what’s even ironic is that many of the people who do have sex outside of marriage… even maybe become promiscuous… often do indeed realize that they have settled, when indeed God wants something so much better for them. Think of the number of broken hearts left in the wake of “friends with benefits” or “I thought if I slept with this person, they would love me more.”

    Anyway, I love all your points! Thank you for speaking boldly! We as Christian wives who love, appreciate and hold in high value sex in marriage need to speak boldly!

    I love married sex for the reasons you listed, as well as several others, including that it is an absolutely beautiful way to honor and worship the Lord. He is so pleased when married couples nurture their sexual intimacy to the fullest!

    • Thank you, Julie, for your kind comments. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post.

      I agree with you – so many couples think that if they just have sex, they’ll be happier or more in love or that the other person will never leave them and that is so very wrong. Society needs more Christian married couples who will speak out boldly for God’s design for sex. I only shared my last 3 secrets, so I hope you come back for part 2, 3, and 4. :o)

    • And Julie, I love your reason for why you love married sex: “an absolutely beautiful way to honor and worship the Lord.” What a wonderful thing to be able to say and to know! God wants us to be deeply united to one another and it brings Him honor and glory when we use His gift of sex wisely, the way it was intended, and with passion and pleasure!

Trackbacks

  1. 10 Confessions of a Sex-Renovated Wife | Oysterbed 7
  2. E – Do You Have Flood Insurance for Your Marriage & Linkup | Becoming His Eve
  3. 2012 in review & What to Look Forward to in 2013 | Becoming His Eve
  4. 10 Secrets from a Wife Who Waited…and Who Loves Married Sex, Part 2 | Becoming His Eve

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