Confessions from a Desperate Housewife
Editor’s Note: This is Part 4A in the Let’s Talk Sex series. As announced in my email update/newsletter, this series will now span both Tuesdays and Thursdays in August, temporarily replacing Portrait of Eve series. Tuesdays will focus on the married ladies on the topics of affair-proofing your marriage, embracing your sensuality/sexuality the way God intended, and God’s design for sex. Thursdays will focus on the unmarried ladies (single, dating, and engaged) on the topics of preparing for marital sex, staying Biblically pure, and glorifying God with your body. This week commences this change.
Also for all of you who are signed up for my email updates, wonderful! You now have access to my monthly Sunny Side Up e-letter and more consistent weekly updates. If you’re not signed up, make the most of BHE beyond the blog. Be the first to receive updates about the blog, access to this summer’s Walk Through Proverbs series,more good clicks, date night ideas, and other special goodies not available on this blog. Sign-up here.
A note to single ladies: Please don’t skip over this just because you’re not married yet. I hope and pray Tuesdays’ articles will help prepare you for marriage and encourage you in the faith.
Are You Desperate?
I goggled the phrase “Are you Desperate?” and I came up with some of the following hits: Several sites have articles titled like this “Are you too desperate? What You Are Doing Wrong.” One of the next hits was about men: are you desperate for the woman of your dreams? Similarly, ladies, are you desperate for a boyfriend…someone…ANYONE? With today’s economy, “Are you desperate for stability?” or “Are you desperate to get out of debt?” or “Are you desperate for a job?” is not surprising. In the age of information overload, questions like “are you desperate for simplicity?” or “are you desperate to get away?” seem to pop up on a Google hit. A personality quiz for “which desperate housewife are you?” popped up, matching a person’s answers to multiple choice questions to compare personalities. I even came across the question, “Are you desperate to get a tan?”
Many women today are desperate housewives. We are housewives who are desperate for affection and attention, desperate to get our man to act more manly or more mature, to help out more around the house, to have better sex lives or to have less sex, to get our husbands to show more initiative, to take us seriously, and to be more godly. My husband and I recently watched the movie Fireproof with Kirk Cameron. The wife in the movie was desperate for her husband to respect and love her, and I believe all wives at some point feel that kind of desperation. ***SPOILER ALERT*** The wife in the movie even begins a dangerous friendship (i.e. confiding in, flirting, lunch dates) with another man because she desperately wants to be appreciated and noticed.
When I first got married, I didn’t really know the first thing about how to be a good wife, let alone a godly wife. Sure, I got lots of advice, some good, some bad, but that’s nothing like actually being in the situation for yourself. Marriage is on-the-job training, my friend, and it never ends. I was pretty desperate to do everything perfectly, and to have the perfect household and husband. The problem is there’s no such thing. I made every mistake in the book from ignoring my relationship with God and idolizing my husband to desperately trying to change my husband. These two things are a recipe for disaster in any marriage.
Desperately Trying to Do It On Your Own
I remember spending the months before the wedding doing research online about how to have the perfect weddings. I spent hours looking at honeymoon locations and trying to work within our budget. I spent days googling “honeymoon sex, “”first time sex,” and “how to please your husband and please God.” I’m not kidding! Let me stop there. If young newlywed Christian brides have to go searching on the Internet for the answers to those kinds of questions (and I know I’m not the only one), then the Church is failing its duty. I was too embarrassed to ask someone my questions about sex, and the gynecologist really wasn’t much help. There’s something wrong with this picture. The Church shouldn’t be leaving new brides-to-be (and grooms, for that matter) hanging, forcing them to try and figure things out on their own or go to the wrong sources for answers (TV, movies, “experienced” unmarried friends, or the world wide web). [Let me add I did find godly, positive advice and encouragement on the Internet too so all hope is not lost if you have used or try this method].
My first few months of marriage were no different. When I didn’t know how to do something, I’d google it, everything from cooking in the kitchen to heating things up in the bedroom. My first six months of marriage was a crash course in how to prepare a meal, how to run a household, how to resolve tension, how to live with another person, how to manage a budget, how to prioritize time, how to please a husband, how to love unconditionally – basically a crash course in life.
All that time I wasn’t praying like I should, I wasn’t seeking God regularly, and I’d go days, even weeks without reading my Bible. I was desperately trying to do it on my own, preferring to get answers from an impersonal computer than my personal Lord and Savior.
When you are out of touch with God, you will be out of touch with your husband. You won’t be able to connect with him on the deeply physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual level you need to be. You’re not going to find all the answers on the Internet, in a book, during a sermon, at a retreat, or even through experience alone. In Matthew 6:33, during the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus urges His listeners to, “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” These things like “trying to make a marriage work” or “learning how to make love” won’t just happen overnight. I still don’t have all the answers. But the recipe for a good, godly marriage and pleasurable and rewarding sex life with your spouse starts with seeking God first.
Desperately Seeking God
Desperately seeking God is the key to affair-proofing your marriage. How can you prevent your desperation from going down the wrong path?
Remember the 3 S’s to a Godly Sex Life
Search Your Own Heart
Before you go blaming your failures in marriage on your spouse, before you complain about your sex life, ask God to search your heart. Have you been making God a priority? When I haven’t spent genuine one-on-one time with God, my sex life with my husband suffers. I’m more irritable, less understanding, and more self-serving. I can’t tell you the number of times I was desperate for deep, fulfilling love and in searching for it with my spouse, I didn’t get it. Sex is about selflessly giving of yourself to your husband, pleasing him even when you’re not in the mood.
If you’re afraid to face God, you know why. He has something to say and you’re not sure you want to hear it or you’re worried He’s going to condemn you for being unfaithful. Regular and constant communication with God is even more important than frequent, open, and honest dialogue with your spouse. How will you be faithful to your spouse if you’re not being faithful to God? Jesus calls looking lustfully at another man the same thing as adultery. The farther away from God you are, the more easily Satan can tempt you. How can you love your spouse unconditionally if you’re not intentionally modeling your life after the Greatest Lover of all – Jesus Christ? You can’t love like Jesus in or out of the bedroom if you’re not spending time with God. Get right with God before you get busy in the bedroom.
“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” Psalm 139:23-24
Serve Your Husband Wholeheartedly
Right before His crucifixion, Jesus was in Bethany at the house of Lazarus and Mary knelt and poured a bottle of expensive perfume on His feet and wiped it with her hair. Judas Iscariot, who was to betray Jesus, was angry and loudly objected saying she could have sold the bottle for money to give to the poor. Jesus calmed him and said, ““Leave her alone. Why are you bothering her? She has done a beautiful thing to me. The poor you will always have with you, and you can help them any time you want. But you will not always have me.”
In both scenes, we see the ultimate act of service. Mary gave everything for Jesus out of love and devotion to Him, and do you think God held anything back when He sent Jesus to earth? No! God gave His all in order to be reunited with us and to make us clean again. He blessed us with the presence of the Servant Lord who lived as a man on earth and then died in order to make us right with the Father.
Service requires sacrifice, and the cost is great, but the reward is also great! When I’m desperate for “me” time, I’m not going to be in a sacrificial mood. My love life with my husband suffers, and my love for him suffers. When you give your whole body, mind, and heart in the act of lovemaking, you are sacrificing yourself on behalf of your husband because you love him, even when you’re not getting everything you want. Give completely of yourself and don’t hold back. Investing in your husband is worth more than “me” time. The only time you should fast from sex is in times of prayer (or when your health doesn’t permit you and in that case, you should already be praying). Withholding sex from your spouse isn’t loving. It’s selfish. Serve your husband by serving yourself completely to him.
” The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
Seek Godly Counsel
If you’re desperate for answers, you’re not alone.
First and foremost, seek godly counsel with each other. If your husband doesn’t know what is going on, it makes it much more difficult to lead you spiritually and physically. Communicate your desires, your struggles, and your pain with him and ask him to pray over you.
Secondly, seek counsel in God’s Word. James 1:5 says,”If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.”
Seek out another trusted Christian wife if you have questions or concerns and want guidance about your love life. Remember to honor your husband when you ask these questions and be sure that your confidante will be discreet.
If you’re both unsure of what to do and have questions, seek out an older godly married couple for advice or a licensed Christian counselor.
If you’re experiencing pain during intercourse, don’t hesitate to talk to a licensed medical professional. Sex is intended to be pleasurable and one of the best ways you can serve your husband is allowing him to pleasure you. If sex is painful, then you need to get it checked out. If you’re not sure who to ask, spend time in prayer and ask God to place someone in your life to help you.
God intended for you to experience joy, excitement, and pleasure during intimacy with your husband, and if you’re struggling in this area, don’t bear the burden alone. You don’t have to be a desperate housewife. Don’t be afraid to reach out or to ask questions. We are here on the journey of life and faith to help and serve one another.
“…encourage one another and build one another up…gently encourage the stragglers, and reach out for the exhausted, pulling them to their feet. Be patient with each person, attentive to individual needs. And be careful that when you get on each other’s nerves you don’t snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11,14 (MSG).
I’d love to hear from you…
When you were planning your wedding, did you plan your marriage? Who did you confide in during the early days of your marriage? Did it help your marriage or hinder it? Share a time when you”desperately” sought after God and it strengthened your marriage and/or sex life with your spouse.
1. Looking for Love in All The Right Places Why you should run to Jesus first
2. How to Divorce Proof Your Marriage Selfishness vs. Sacrifice
3. To read other related posts in the Let’s Talk Sex series, click here.
Posts by Fellow CMBA-r’s:
The Gospel in the Bedroom by J from Hot, Holy, and Humorous
The Selfless Act of Sex by Mystery 32
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