A Counter-Cultural Sexual Affair
Ask yourself this question: What does the world say about sex? Does “do what feels good,” and “if you’re in love, nothing else matters” sound familiar? These views are not only selfish, but destructive.
What does God actually say about sex? Simply put, God’s design for sex is a selfless act of love and pleasurable intimacy within a marriage designed to glorify Him.
You may be thinking, “Whoa! That doesn’t sound like the world says,” and you’d be right. With the world sending loud, twisted messages about sex , it’s hard to distinguish the voice of God. There’s no better place to start than Scripture to get some clarity.
Do What Is Right vs. Do What Feels Good
God designed sex to be pleasurable. There’s no doubt about that. The entire book of Song of Solomon is majorly devoted to the pleasurable and steamy side of sex. Sex is supposed to feel good. There’s nothing wrong with feeling good. It’s the context of “feeling good” that makes it wrong.
Sex without boundaries is like a forest fire blazing out of control. Allowing someone else to “know” you intimately before marriage taints the sexual experience and scars the soul. Sex outside of marriage (premarital or extramarital) is incredibly destructive. It may “feel good” for a time. It may be “fun” for awhile. It may even be exciting and daring for a bit. But think about the emotions sex outside of marriage leaves you with – guilt, shame, remorse, regret, and fear just to name a few most prominent. If you are married, remember every sexual encounter outside of marriage brings shame to your marriage bed.
Hebrews 13:4 says, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”
Extramarital affairs affect not only your spouse, but your “lover,” his family and friends, your family and friends, your children or future children, your church, society, and yourself. It hurts your Christian witness. It breaks your sacred vows. It crushes your husband’s trust in you. It dishonors God and your husband. It scars your heart for life. If you have to go seeking love or pleasure elsewhere, then you need to get down on your knees and pray to God to protect your body, heart, and mind from temptation, to re-awaken the mystery and intimacy of sex in your marriage, and to give you the words you need to say to your husband in a respectful and loving manner about your unfulfilled needs and desires.
Seeking sexual satisfaction outside of marriage is selfish. If you have sex with someone other than your husband, you are catering to self. Since Western culture preaches self-service and self-indulgence we have a more difficult task as Christians to set a good example not only in our sex lives but also our faith walk. But just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible or unattainable. God doesn’t promise the narrow path is going to be easy.
Romans 12:1 calls you to “present your bodies as a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable and pleasing to God,” and Luke 9:23 sheds some light on what this means when Jesus says, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me” (NASB).
God calls us to be faithful not only to Him, but to our earthly spouse. The Bible is very clear about adultery. Exodus 20:14 says, “You shall not commit adultery.” The Bible is also clear about the consequences. 1 Corinthians 6:8 says, “Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body,” and Proverbs 6:32 elaborates on this, “The one who commits adultery lacks sense; the one who does it destroys oneself.”
Be counter-cultural and take a bold stand for your marriage – uphold your vows as a sacred bond of trust between you and your husband, be accountable to your husband and don’t leave room for doubt in his mind, and be a trustworthy woman and flee from temptation.
The Three A’s to Affair-Proofing Your Marriage
Jesus talks about a rather extreme way to deal with sin in Mark 9:47: “if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out.”
1. Avoid anything that would cast a negative light on your trustworthiness or faithfulness in your marriage. Don’t be alone with another man if you can help it. Don’t go searching for comfort in a male friend. Turn away from anyone who tempts you outside your marriage.
2. Abandon anything that will cause you to stumble. If this means you need to stop watching rated R movies and stop reading romance novels, DO IT! If you’re having to read about an exotic and exciting sex life in a book, then you need to take a step back, pray, and have a serious conversation with your spouse.
3. Annihilate anything that is having a damaging effect on your sex life. This could be anything from being too busy or too stressed to make time for sex to having a selfish attitude about sex.
A selfish wife says, “I must be pleasured every time or I won’t do it again.”
A selfless wife says, “Your pleasure comes before my own and I want to please you.”
A selfish wife says, “I don’t have time to make love.”
A selfless wife says, “I will make time to make love.”
A selfish wife says, “I’m too tired and/or stressed. You’ll wait until I am feeling better.”
A selfless wife says, “I may be tired and stressed but I want to serve you and give you what you desire.”
A selfish wife says, “If you don’t please me, fulfill me, and give me everything I desire, I will look for it elsewhere.”
A selfless wife says, “You do please and fulfill me, and even when you do not, I will uphold my vows and be faithful to you.”
The Four B’s to a Counter-Cultural Sexual Affair
Proverbs 31:11 reminds us that, “The heart of her husband safely trusts her, and he will have no lack of gain.”
Notice it says “the heart” can safely trust her. While emotional trust and security is vital in the heart of a marriage, the heart is so much more than emotions. The ancient Hebrews viewed the heart as “the center for both physical and emotional-intellectual-moral activities” (Baker’s Evangelical Dictionary of Theology). When the husband of the virtuous wife says his heart safely trusts her, it means he is emotionally, mentally, morally, and physically secure.
Have a counter-cultural affair. Dictionary.com defines affair as, “anything requiring action or effort.” A marriage requires action and effort. You can’t just avoid, abandon, and annihilate. You must work at your marriage, replacing the negatives with the positives.
1. Be Loving – leave your husband emotionally secure by allowing him to feel the depth of your love for him on a regular basis. Men often feel loved through physical affection and intimacy. Basically, men have sex to feel loved, but women need love to have sex. Hold up your end of the marriage. Love your husband in the most intimate way possible.
2. Bestow Peace of Mind – leave your husband mentally secure by bringing him good, not harm, through your actions when he’s around, but more importantly, when he’s not around. Give him the confidence he needs in you sexually by complimenting him sexually (a.k.a. stroke his ego a little), affirming his masculinity in public and private, and by letting him know that he pleases you sexually (THIS IS A BIG ONE, LADIES! If he’s not pleasing you, you need to tell him, but if he is, make him aware of how you feel physically when you make love so he’ll know he’s doing his job).
3. Build Trust – leave your husband morally secure by protecting him. Don’t blab about the details of your sex life to anyone else. Don’t complain to your girlfriends, or worse still, your mother or his mother, when he fails to sexually satisfy you. Don’t embarrass his masculinity in front of his friends and family. Don’t say anything that would cast doubt on your faithfulness. Be trustworthy in your words and deeds.
4. Bring All of Yourself – leave your husband physically secure by honoring him with your whole body, heart, and mind, abandoning all others, not seeking outside fulfillment, but working to strengthen your sexual intimacy.
Romans 12:9-10 says, “Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil; cling to what is good…give preference to one another in honor…”
The greatest way you can honor your husband is to give all of yourself – your heart, mind, body, time, energy, strength, etc – for his glory, joy, and pleasure. This doesn’t mean be a doormat and do whatever he wants whenever he wants it wherever he wants it regardless of your personal feelings, desires, and needs. The husband is also to honor, love, and serve his wife, giving her preference too. But God calls us wives to love and serve our husbands joyfully and willingly. Talk about counter-cultural!
The world (and sadly, many within the Christian church) settle for a sexual philosophy that says, “let’s cater to self,” without any thought to the consequences, but I challenge you to think otherwise!
As a Christian wife, you are to die to self daily, take up your cross (your burdens), and follow Christ, to follow His teachings, to love others above yourself, especially your husband. Abandon self. Give your husband the gift of a faithful and loving heart. Give your husband the gift of your whole body, open and inviting for him to drink in your beauty and touch the inner depths of you.
I’d love to hear from you…
What is one thing in your marriage, something that is hurting your sexual intimacy or your spouse’s confidence in you, that you need to do away with? What is one thing you can do in your marriage to continue to build your spouse’s trust in you, to affirm your faithfulness to him, and to show him how much you love him? How can you abandon self and live counter-culturally in your marriage?
1. Don’t Toot Your Own Horn – Putting Off Self – The Three Things Selfishness Breeds in a Marriage
2. How Selfishness Nearly Cost Me My Marriage – Selfishness breeds discontentment
3. How to Divorce Proof Your Marriage – Selfishness breeds dissension
4. To read other related posts in the Let’s Talk Sex series, click here.
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