How You Can Apply My Marital Lessons to Your Marriage

Reader Question: What would you say are the biggest lessons you’ve learned in your marriage thus far? What’s been the most important to you? What’s been the most surprising? Did your reach your expectations? Any advice for newlyweds? 

Those are excellent questions, and perfect for January since we just started a new year. Thank you to the two ladies who posited these questions. I hope is that you are able to learn from my marital life lessons, regardless of what stage of life you’re in, but these lessons were especially imperative for Adam and I as a newlyweds.

1. Sex is a beautiful blessing!

This is probably the most surprising lesson I’ve learned, and it well exceeded my expectations. I always knew sex was supposed to feel good, but the beauty of marital sexual intimacy is beyond anything I could have expected. We were physically affectionate people to begin with, but God took that and multiplied it ten-fold in marriage.

I have discovered God’s holy, perfect, and beautiful design for marital bliss. I’ve also learned that the more we spend time with one another (non-sexually), the better in the mood I am for sex. It’s been said that a man needs sex to feel loved, but a woman needs love to have sex. This is totally true in our marriage, and takes consistent work, but is totally worth it.

• If you aren’t married yet, talk about sex with your fiancée. Talk about your expectations for the wedding night, the honeymoon, and life after the honeymoon. Make sure you’re both on the same page for what you’re comfortable with, how you’ll handle physical pain and discomfort, and how your menstrual cycle will affect your sex life.
• Make sex a priority. This may seem like a “duh” for newlyweds, especially since the honeymoon is supposed to be all about having sex, right? Wrong, but I digress. Sex wasn’t the greatest on our honeymoon. In fact, we spent most of the time getting to know each other physically without sex. But sex isn’t just for procreation – it’s for pleasure. The pleasure part may take time and work, but it’s essential to building marital intimacy. 

2. Marriage is a living entity.

Just like you need to feed, bathe, clothe, and shelter a child, a baby marriage needs the same things. But unlike a child who grows up from a dependent to an independent over time, a marriage needs even more devotion and work to keep going.

Adam and I’ve only been married 2 years and are still without kiddos (just a cat), but even after 2 years, things aren’t quite as surprising, and parts of life become monotonous. We can’t just neglect our relationship with each other (i.e. spending quality time together, building our mutual relationship with God, taking care of one another’s needs, sexual intimacy, etc), and expect our marriage to thrive. We must work hard at it every day. And on the days when we struggle, we have to pick back up and plug ahead and remind ourselves why we love one another and how we are called to love and respect one another in Christ-likeness.

• Work hard. Play hard. This is a great philosophy when it comes to marriage. Work hard at your marriage. Develop good habits early  and continue building on them throughout the marriage. Push through the struggles together by taking them to God and asking for His strength. But don’t forget to have fun. Make time to de-stress and enjoy life together. Sometimes this means that the dishes will sit in the sink overnight so you can “get busy” in the bedroom. The world won’t come to an end. Learn to balance the work-play equation. 
• On the days when you don’t feel like loving, love anyway because Christ demonstrated His great love for you. Love unconditionally.

{from our wedding day}

3. God must come first!

Christ needs to be the center of your marriage. Sometimes in my marriage, God is a little less central and more lopsided. However, I’ve learned that when I neglect my relationship with God, my relationship with Adam is off. This has by far been the most important lesson I’ve learned in marriage.

• Build holy habits so God is at the forefront of your marriage. 
• Allow God to stretch you. If anything, marriage reveals your true character. Don’t let the refining process scare you out of trusting God. He’s the Only One you can always trust and count on even if you don’t understand what He’s doing.
• Make time to pray together as a couple. Spend time in God’s Word, worshiping, and fellowshipping with other believers  together regularly.

4. Communicate about money

Communication is the key to problem-solving when it comes to arguing about finances. Adam and I have had our fair share of arguments about money. I’m not saying we’re perfect in this area, but we’ve come a long way. Even though Adam is bringing home the “bacon,” we’ve decided the money he makes is“our” money instead of just “his.” We check with each other before spending money, no matter how small. We set a budget and try our hardest to stick to it, and we tithe regularly. Adam is great with reminding me to trust God, especially with our money. God has richly blessed us because of this.

• Make sure you’re on the same page regarding how you spend, save, invest, and tithe.
• Set a budget together, and keep each other accountable to it.
• Don’t spend on credit if you absolutely can help it, and pay off whatever you do spend on credit within the month. Interest rates will kill you, and we’ve learned this the hard way. If you can’t pay for it now, don’t get it (perhaps with the exception of a college education, a car, and a home).
• Trust your finances to God and tithe regularly.

5. Respect is paramount.

Men desperately need to be respected. This is paramount because it is hardwired into their brains. Men equate respect on the same level that women equate love. Respect, therefore, is a big job for the wife.

Marriage has heightened my conscience and has made me even more aware of my selfishness and sin. This has been a good thing because it has caused me to view God, my husband, and myself in a whole new light and has made me ever more grateful for God’s and my husband’s grace and forgiveness. This has helped me be even more aware of how to respect my husband.

• Pay attention to your tone of voice and your body language in addition to what you are saying to your husband, especially regarding sex. How you say it also communicates respect or disrespect. 
• Take care of yourself. Sure, there are days when I don’t wear makeup and I stay in my sweats all day and I know my husband still thinks I’m beautiful, but I do try to make an effort to look nice and attractive for my husband daily. This often means brushing my hair and teeth and touching up my makeup before he comes home from work, selecting attractive, modest clothing, showering regularly, and even wearing something “sexy” to bed at least once a week.
• Speak of your husband respectfully and act appropriately in public in a manner that will honor him. This means not gossiping or venting with your girlfriends about your husband or others’ husbands, only saying positive things about your spouse, and uplifting your husband when he is and isn’t around.
• Make your husband a priority.  I try to finish all my chores, writing, and other activities before my husband comes home from work so that I can focus on him. I also try to have dinner ready by the time he arrives, or shortly thereafter.
• Make an effort to keep your home clean and organized. This shows that you place value on taking care of his home and things.
• Include your husband in your decisions. I always check with my husband first before spending money and before doing things with friends. This shows my desire to please and honor him with my actions, and also to give him the opportunity to advise me if necessary. Also respect your husband’s decisions once they are made. Don’t try to change his mind, go behind his back, justify your actions, or argue with him. Be trustworthy. Accept that he has made a decision as the head of the household because God has placed him authority over you. What if my husband asks me to do something sinful?
• Pay attention to what occupies your thoughts, what moves your emotions, and what drives your actions and even how you view yourself as these all communicate a level of respect or disrespect toward your husband.

Your Turn. 

What lessons have you learned in your marriage? Pass them along. Leave a comment down below. 

**Editor’s Note: Join me next Friday as I answer the 5 areas I want to continue growing in. If you haven’t already, please take the time to vote on what you’d like to read on BHE.**

• Posted in: Communication ♦ Conflict ♦ Friday Feedback ♦ Holy Habits of Marriage ♦ Honoring One Another ♦ Marriage Bed, The ♦ Newlywed Life ♦ Protecting Your Husband's Heart ♦ Real Marriage ♦ Respect ♦ Sex
• Tagged: Affair-Proof Your Marriage, Enjoying Life Together, Friday Feedback, God's Design for Sex, Making God a Priority, Marriage and Finances, Marriage Lessons, Respecting Your Husband, Working at Marriage