Friday’s Q&A: Is Dressing Sexy for My Husband Biblical? (and Sugar & Spice and All Things Nice, Day 2)
Editor’s Note: Due to high demand, on Fridays , I’m going to tackle readers questions. The What Kind of Woman Do You Want to Be series will be postponed until after the new year. I apologize for the frequent changes. To send in your own questions – see below.
Reader Question: I was curious: What are your thoughts on dressing provocatively for your husband? Is dressing sexy for my husband Biblical?
My initial response is yes, but… several concerns come to mind. Here’s how I want to tackle this question.
1. My Experience
2. Concerns and Cautions
3. Why I believe it is Biblical
4. Hints for Newlyweds
A Trip Down Memory Lane
When I was getting married, I didn’t really have a clue how to please a husband. I spent a lot of time researching online and reading books (both Christian and nonChristian material). I remember desiring to have pretty new things to wear on my honeymoon (as most young brides do). I was excited when I received my first two “nighties” at my bridal shower – a beautiful royal blue silk nightie with black lace and a delicate animal print nightie with black lace. The gifts kept coming in until pretty soon I had a new “outfit” for every night of the honeymoon.
Fast forward to after the wedding, I remember changing out of my gown and very proudly showing my new husband every single outfit I had received. Poor Adam! Probably would’ve been better if I had modeled them instead of just shown him.
I soon learned that as a newly married couple, you don’t spend a lot of time wearing clothes. Of course, as a new bride, I wasn’t fully comfortable with my naked body yet, or his, for that matter. It was all wildly strange and new.
What’s Your Motivation?
Are you dressing sexy to keep up with the times? Don’t make the world your standard to go by. Measure your standard by your relationship with each other and by what brings honor and respect to your husband.
“See the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each wife is to honor her husband.” Ephesians 5:33 (MSG)
Are you dressing sexy to exercise some control over your husband? As a wife, you are to submit to your husband. You shouldn’t derive pleasure from “controlling” him in bed, forcing him do what you want him to do without any say or from manipulating him, twisting words around to get what you want or starting with selfish motivations. Don’t taunt and tease and then not follow through! This is a tough lesson indeed to learn, one I’m still learning, but it’s disrespectful to withhold yourself from your husband when you are clearly leading him on.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” Colossians 3:18
Are you dressing sexy to draw attention to yourself, even “unwanted” attention? Under absolutely no circumstances should you be intentionally causing your brother to stumble. You need to be aware of when and where it is appropriate to dress in a sexy manner. You need to be dressing appropriately and modestly in public, but you can still be attractive. (See more on this below).
You should be satisfying your husband and your husband only. If you’re thinking of wearing something out in public that you wouldn’t wear in front of your father or brother, don’t wear it. If you’re thinking of wearing something that would draw unnecessary attention to your feminine shape, then don’t wear it.
You should also be satisfied by your husband’s attention only. If you’re dressing provocatively because you desperately want the attention of a man, any man, then you need to sit down and have a serious talk with God. Ask for wisdom on how to respectfully and honestly approach your husband to talk about wanting his attention.
All that being said, you are not held accountable for a weak brother who still lusts after you even if you are dressed modestly and attractively. You don’t need to walk around wearing frumpy, over-sized, blah clothing to keep a man from staring at you and sinning. You are not responsible for that man’s sin. However, remember what Paul says when he writes that everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.
“…whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. Do not cause anyone to stumble, whether Jews, Greeks or the church of God— even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.” 1 Corinthians 10:31-33
You are responsible for living up to godly standards – living in a manner that is honoring and pleasing to your husband and to the Lord.
Why Dressing Sexy is Biblical
1. Wanting nice and beautiful clothes is built into our feminine nature. Even the most virtuous of wives in the Bible, the Proverbs 31 woman, desired finery.
“… she is clothed in fine linen and purple.” Proverbs 31:22
2. A wife’s body is not her own. In marriage, you are called to satisfy your husband sexually, and this means visually also.
You are to be the sole provider of beauty for your husband.
“Honor marriage, and guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband.” Hebrews 13:4 (MSG)
“…each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:2-4
3. You honor and delight your husband with your beauty.
“Let the king be enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.” Psalm 45:11
“You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you.” Song of Songs 4:7
Tips for Dressing Sexy
1. Embrace your sexuality. You are beautiful and your husband adores you. Laura M. Brotherson defines sexual confidence and feeling sexy:
“Sexual self-confidence is the self-assurance and God-assurance, even, that one is loved and acceptable to one’s self and to God. This is coupled with sexual knowledge and application within marriage. Feeling sexy means you like and accept yourself–complete with flaws and imperfections–and embrace your sexuality. Being at peace with oneself is key to unlocking one’s sexual potential in marriage.“
2. Make every effort to keep up an attractive appearance. Sure, wearing sweat pants around the house are fine when your husband isn’t around, but your frumpy clothes aren’t too attractive to him. Take care of your physical health and appearance. Look feminine for him regularly. He’s sure to appreciate it!
3. Every man is different, and is stimulated visually by different things. Talk with your husband about what he likes and doesn’t like. Respect your husband by asking him if he thinks your outfit is modest and appropriate before going out.
4. If you’re about to be married, talk about your expectations for the wedding night. Ask him if he has any specific preferences. I remember Adam mentioning that he liked lace and the color blue before the wedding.
5. Wear what you’re comfortable with. Don’t put something on that you can’t wear confidently and comfortably. Make sure you and your husband are on the same page. If he asks you to wear something that would make you feel uncomfortable, respectfully and gently try to find a compromise.
6. NEWLYWEDS: Yes, you will spend a lot of time on the honeymoon exploring each other’s bodies…naked! *gasp* Probably more than you think and expect. Don’t spend a fortune on pretty underthings because chances are you’ll only be in them for a few minutes, maybe even seconds.
7. Everyone’s standard for modesty is slightly different, and varies even within the church. Make sure you and your husband have a good standard for modesty clearly defined in your relationship early on.
8. You can still dress sexy for your spouse without revealing it to anyone else. Slip into pretty underthings in front of him in the morning to wear under your clothes. Take time in the evenings just the two of you before bed just in your intimates. If you’re out at a restaurant or somewhere, whisper in his ear what you’re wearing underneath your outfit… or what you’re not wearing ;o)
I’d love for you to send me your reader questions on the topics of marriage, sex, relationships and dating, love, and faith. Please leave your questions below in the comments or send me your questions via EMAIL ME (please type in all-caps READER QUESTION in the subject box). I’ll be answering readers questions every Friday.
Romantic Act of the Day
Wear something pretty and intimate to bed for your man! Once you’ve adequately surprised him, ask him to tell you what outfits/articles of clothing/pieces of jewelry he finds attractive on you. If he likes high heels, wear high heels. If turn him on when donning lace, wear lace. If he likes it when you wear your silky nightgown, wear the silky nightgown. Wear something “sexy” for him every day in this upcoming week.
Check out these good clicks on intimate apparel, being confident in your sexuality, true beauty, and pleasing your husband.
By J from Hot, Holy, and Humorous
By Pearl from Pearl’s OysterBed
By Intentionally Yours
- Posted in: 30 Dates in November ♦ Beauty ♦ Friday Feedback ♦ Marriage Bed, The ♦ Newlywed Life ♦ Physical Affection and Attention ♦ Romance ♦ Sex ♦ Spicing Up the Bedroom
- Tagged: 30 Dates in November, Beauty, God's Design for Woman, Intimate Apparel, Motivations, Physical Affection, Physical Needs, Readers Questions, Sexual Confidence, Spicing Up Sex, The Marriage Bed, Visual Appeal